Denying My Feelings
Last night I had the most shacking realization in a long time. I discovered why I deny myself for loved ones close to me.
Comparison.
The comparison I experienced as a child always made me pull back and not celebrate great things I accomplished. I was the kid that was involuntarily placed on a pedestal. Now, this is not a “whoa is me” type of post, but there is some revelation in this. The pressure I felt from adults and my peers put me in a hard place. The adults felt that I could do no wrong, while other children in the family felt the favoritism placed on me. “I don’t want to be in the spotlight. Stop placing me there. Please don’t think I am better than you,” were some of the thoughts in this losing battle I was fighting.
To this day, my pet peeve is to see someone else belittled. I also shy away from boldly celebrating huge accomplishments. Both of these are directly related to my childhood “stardom” I did not ask for.
I realize that I was being sensitive to other’s feelings as a child. My nonchalant attitude became a default setting to avoid the light I was being pushed into. But could it be, God planned my life so thoughtfully, that he established this in me at such a young age? Could it be that he was teaching me to die to myself and remain humble? I mean, isn’t that who Christ was for us? My God. Could it be that you had to begin the preparation then, to propel me into what has yet to come?
Now I am conflicted🙃.
In writing this, I thought denying my feelings was such a negative thing, but now my eyes can clearly see that I am spiritually maturing. I stay humble and keep the spotlight off of me so that all credit goes to God.
So it’s no longer, “Please don’t think I am better than you,” but “Look at what God has done in my life.”
On the day of my baptism, the word spoken over me was “Glory,” and that people would look at my life and see God’s glory. My God. You have always been with me. You have always been in my heart even as a child when I didn’t know it.
It’s so evident to me now that you were there, before I really knew who you were.
Father, may you continue to get the glory over my life. I submit to you. I give my life to you. All credit goes to you. For it is not by my works, but your grace that I have accomplished the things I have done and will continue to do. Thank you for the principle father.
You’ve never let me get too comfortable in my successes and I can clearly see your intent. Lord, this was a test - a character building exercise. I chose to decrease when others tried to increase me. But father, I know the increase only flows through you and everything is orchestrated by your hand. Thank you for our hand on my life.
I am so full Father.
Is it the same to deny yourself as you deny the flesh? Is denying your feelings, denying the flesh because feelings are fleeting?
Lord, my prayer is that you give me the discernment of celebratory moments of joy and humble moments of meekness as you continue to send blessings my way.
